Art Huxtable Joins Tinder

Originally Posted: May 30, 2014

I just finished my second-to-last semester of undergrad in Chicago, where I was living in an apartment with roomies. I’m leaving for about 6 months in October and won’t be attending the Summer semester, so I moved back to my mom’s house in the suburbs for the time being. My days became boring. I would take the Metra to my internship in Chicago every morning where I spent the majority of my time dicking around on message boards, watching Hulu, starting arguments on CNN’s Facebook page, and eating free soup and salad. I’ll sometimes pop a couple Xannies on the train to work and straight up not remember most of the day. But I’m pretty sure I have a good time.

This has, more or less, been my modus operandi throughout all three of my internships. I did have a low point at a real estate development internship where I was blackout drunk on Black Box (the Colt 45 of wine) by 2pm, ended up at the Illinois Art Institute at Chicago, met one of my current weed dealers and a steady lay in a blacked out state (separate people), ended up at a Friday’s and then at a Tilted Kilt, and had an old fat man attempt to fondle my balls while giving me a ride to my car. I somehow still managed to land a full time offer at the place I’m at now. Yep, this fucking degenerate will likely be managing your retirement funds in a few years. 

I’d be in the driveway by 6pm, done working out by 8pm, and usually in bed by 11. With no classes to study for (not that I ever did much studying) and nothing to do living in the Wonder Bread suburbs, I decided to get on Tinder. I’ve been on it for about a week today and am now a self-proclaimed expert and enthusiast. I will recount my experiences, strategies, and general musings. I’ll also write about whatever else the fuck I want to write about on this blog because I enjoy writing and I have a ton of free time at work.

Let’s start out by explaining what Tinder is for the Barney Rubbles:

Tinder is GrubHub for vaginal canal. You turn on your phone’s GPS, connect your FaceBook account, select a few pictures that make you look like you aren’t a complete schmuck, and you’re flooded with the profiles of local females (or males if you’re into that). You swipe right (or tap the heart) if you want to connect with them. If they right swipe you, the messaging capability is enabled.

It’s pretty well understood that this is a hookup app, but some girls will insist they’re just looking for friends (lol). You’ll even stumble across pictures of bitches with their hubbies or whatever. Even swiped right on one bitch in a wedding dress. None of these chicks are looking for friends. They are filthy liars. I’ve met some real cool girls on here, but this does not change their status as filthy liars.

Now some girls will be pretty fucking up-front with what they’re looking for. I almost prefer the liars because they’re more fun to transition from right swiping to doggy banging. I don’t know. I like a challenge. I also think there’s a subconscious caveman gene that tells me that the girl who’s easy has genes that are inferior to those of the girl who guards her eggs. I’ve stopped trying to understand why I like what I like long ago and just go with the flow these days.

I think I’ll wrap this up as my intro post.

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