Art Huxtable’s Guide to Fatherhood on the Cheap

Originally Posted: Monday, June 23, 2014

Some guys want kids, but don’t want to get married. Men’s sexual market value (SMV hereon) increases well into their 60s+ if they play their cards right (i.e. stay fit, have your career in order, be an interesting person, dress well, etc.). Whereas the SMV of women decreases pretty much linearly after around 30. That’s because women look at a much broader set of criteria in selecting a mate than men do. This stems from the simple fact that I could go impregnate a small village tomorrow and a woman has to carry a kiddo in the gut for 9 months.

Therefore, a man is genetically incentivized to fuck as many fertile looking bitches as he can get his hands on while a woman must be far more selective. A man wants to knock up a fit chick who will bless his child with good genetics and who has them joocy thighs and wide hips to increase the odds of a successful pregnancy. A woman wants a man who will pass good genes on to her child and who will be a good father, so she wants a man who’s physically attractive but also is charismatic and driven. Makes sense, right? Right. Moving on.

See where the lines intersect? That usually happens in your early 30s. Coincidentally, that’s when women start to “settle down.” Settle down from what? From riding the cock carousel with cool dudes who she likes spending time with, but realizes won’t commit to her. To the herby nine to fiver who she has to convince herself isn’t boring, but who she knows will stick around and pay for her botox and Prozac and her kid’s braces. He’ll definitely need them. I haven’t seen my dad since I was 4. I never needed braces. My mouth is fucking gorgeous. Coincidence? Doubtful. If Plan A and Plan B fall through, I’m becoming a mouth model, kid.

So if you’re a man who has his ducks in a row and you realize you don’t want to commit to one woman (Marriage was instituted by the Church, by the way, and Artie don’t fux with organized religion in any capacity. Those dicks should have to pay taxes like everyone else) for the rest of your life, but you want to have kids to carry on your genetic legacy and whatever other legacy you set into motion during your lifetime… you face a conundrum.

Aside: I believe that there’s a good chance that technology allowing humans to effectively live forever in some shape or form will come along in my lifetime. I still want kids though. You’ll probably need mad guap to access it though, so I gotta stack cheddar cheese in the meantime. And there’s a chance it will be regulated by the government or some shit and they’ll only let noteworthy people transplant their brains onto hard drives or whatever, so you gotta do some noteworthy shit in your life too. Gotta make the public want to keep your ass around, dig?
So anyway, you want a kid on the cheap? Knock up a chick in college. You should be working internships in college if you’re not retarded. Ask the dumbass working at Arby’s with his Communications degree how many internships he had in college. Even better, ask him how many he bothered applying for. Chances are, the number’s lower than his GPA; which isn’t saying much.

Anyway, if you have a kid out of wedlock, you gotta pay child support. This is fair, but how they determine how much you pay is not. They take a flat percentage of what you’re making at the time and tell you to pay that every month to the mother for the next eighteen years. It’s actually pretty common for comedians and ex-TV stars to be fucking broke because they start getting known, start getting some pussy, fuck around and get a chick preggers, and get their child support rated off of the money they’re making at the time. Then their gig dries up and they’re stuck owing $80K a month to some bitch who drives a pink Rover who was a hairdressed when you met. Meanwhile, you’re lucky to get $200 in a night at The Comedy Store.
So what you gotta do is flip the script on ‘em! Intern pay sucks veiny dragon dildos compared to full time. But in college, you have access to all these sexy fertile bitches who will be fucking your boss after graduation. So what you do is you impregnate the most genetically gifted chick you can find at least 9 months before you graduate and get your child support rated off of your bullshit intern pay. Then, you graduate, accept the full time offer, and keep paying that nonsense child support while watching your checks grow each year. Child support doesn’t match inflation either, so $1,000 today is only worth $577 (3% inflation assumption) by age 18. Now the chick has 9 months to bail, so you probably gotta lead her on. Might need to cop a cubic zirconia. But she led you on with that pushup bra, so it’s a fair trade.
Then, with all that money you save, you can buy your kid a bunch of cool shit and take him on trips and shit so that he loves you more. Let mom pay for the lame bullshit like food and housing. Because life is a competition and all is fair in love and war.

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