As Halloween approaches, I ponder the concept of trick-or-treating. Halloween. Hallow’s Eve. I don’t know much about it. I could do a quick Wiki and pretend I do, but I don’t and I don’t care to either. Some assholes a few hundred years ago who believed in witches or some shit got together and did some ceremonies, fucked and then ate a goat, and made a hat out of its head. That’s cool. That’s fine. Sounds typical of the type of shit old timey people got up to.
I’m remembering something now… about people parading through the streets in outfits and essentially extorting the neighbors… Or maybe that’s some shit I watched about Mardia Gras on Amazon Prime. Anyway. My point is that how did we get from that to hoards of children prancing through the streets in scary outfits and knocking at all the damn doors and asking for candy? OK for starters, these costumes suck. They are not scary. If they were actually good and impressive, I might have a different opinion. But costumes suck across the board. ‘Oh but they’re kids, they’re just having fun.’ Yeah, that’s cool. And your adult wife made a shit costume designed to bore.
Candy is garbage. All this modern day colorful candy shit is garbage and it’s garbage for your health and you shouldn’t eat it. ‘Oh, but Artie, they’re just kids.’ Yep, kids are fat, weak, and dumb these days. I’m not going to encourage them to eat candy. Your kids knock on my door, they’re getting a palmfull of cacao nibs and a pocket copy of As A Man Thinketh.
The decorations suck too for the most part. I’m still undecided on Christmas decor, but Halloween decor is fucking trash. Come on. Plastic hands sticking out of your tufty lawn. Fuck right off. ‘Oh, but Artie, you have all these gargoyle statues outside your front door.’ Those are everyday gargoyles. They’re permanent. Because Gothic architecture is majestic and I figure between that, the “No Solicitors” sign, and all the cameras, it’s pretty obvious this isn’t a ‘Meet the neighbors’ type setup we got going on. But on this day, they serve the opposite of their intended purpose.
How is anyone still allowing this in this day and age of helicopter parents and everyone and their brothers trying to fiddle your kids and wives getting MeToo’d and folks poisoning the Tylenol supply. Did you know that in Chicago’s North Shore, they won’t let you leave the hospital after giving birth until they’ve verified you have a carseat correctly installed? Who’s gonna stop you though? Are you going to have an altercation with some hospital staff today? Well, you can’t call their bluff because you do have a carseat properly installed. But some people take the bus, motherfucker and I’ll tell you the same shit I told the on-campus cop back in high school: ‘No, I won’t tell you what car I drive or where I parked.’ Scrubs confer negative authority.
Imposing. So imposing. I’m sitting here. It’s 7pm. I’m doing some shit. And my doorbell is going off every 10 minutes? You and your children are imposing on me. “Your lights are on!” they yell. Of course my lights are on. I’m in my house and it’s night time. Why are you here?
‘But it’s just one night a year.’ Yep, and all my nights are my own. Every single night of every single year.
I have some mildly fond memories of trick-or-treating as a kid. Doing little predictions on which house has the loot. You go to the house with all the decor with the people who obviously are trying to participate. So is it just the dumb kids coming to my door? Dumb kids don’t need candy. The only reason this shit tradition persists is because of nostalgia. Everything about childhood is nostalgic though. You did all kinds of garbage activities in your childhood and you remember most of them fondly. Just swap this with eating mud or exploring a swamp or whatever.
This archetypal grouchy old man sitting on his front porch in a rocking chair, chewing on a piece of straw, on some ‘Get off my lawn!’ shit comes to mind as I write this. I mean, yeah. That’s accurate, I guess. But everything I said still stands, so what is one to do? How does one bridge the gap between “no neighbors wealth” and “no neighbors principals”?
Artie has long held these views, but is rethinking them as he has a kiddo on the way. Everything I said stands, buuutttt…
Does the idea of running around with this unborn little fuck and doing halloween shit sound fun? Yes it does. But heroin feels great too. I can’t justify doing wrong shit just because it’s fun.
This kid is gonna be playing in the neighborhood. I’ll quickly become reluctant leader of the local stay-at-home dad’s group, of course. People are gonna know where we live. They’re gonna say, ‘That’s the kid whose parents don’t participate in Halloween.’ They’ll treat the kid not as well. Or they’ll bring it up with the kid. The kid will be forced to stand his ground at a young age, which will be good for him; but also likely cause very mild emotional trauma and set them down the outcast path early on. Which can also be good. They’ll say snively little shit in their own child’s presence, and their own child will be mean or whatever to my child as a result. And that’s gonna be good for my kid too. But we want it in doses – not for the whole neighborhood to hate him.
How is one to reconcile these very loosely held beliefs?
Alright, I’m tuckered out. That’s all I got. Fuck Halloween. I’m putting out an empty bowl, turning off my doorbell, and calling it a night.
Oh, and one more thing: There is never any follow-through in the “trick” category. Very disappointing. At least back in the witchcraft days, they’d come burn your house down or tie you to a tree or whatever.