Men’s pants today are so, so gay. I would know. I used to be gay myself. I became interested in fashion for a couple of years in my late teens. Not “high fashion.” More along the lines of menswear/streetwear/whatever I liked. I followed TheStyleBlogger and talked shit on /fa/. You would never catch me out with empty belt loops. Why did I do this? Don’t know. Probably because I had moderately low self-esteem, time on my hands, and I was out of the bodybuilding game so I needed something new to hang my hat on. I wasn’t broke, but I was making some stupid financial decisions for someone making $15 per hour and commissions selling eyeglasses. Until I went to work in the lab, which looked cool, but paid the same minus the commissions. Artie fucked himself. Barista to baker transition all over again.
6pm.com is a site where you can find some ill deals on Zappos overstock (I think). If you’re open on what you want, but you do know your shoe or waist size or whatever, you can search by that and sort it by markdown percentage. That’s how I copped some Birks for $25. Dude, I used to wear fucking Clarks desert boots and white Nike high-tops and Air Maxes. Cream-colored jeans. I had Allen Edmonds before I had an office job. How lame is that? Tapered jeans. Levi’s 508s. Turns out the cream-colored ones run smaller than the raw indigos. I’d go on Gilt. Shit like that. So Levis 508s are the best Levis they make. Why? Because they have a perfect taper. Scotch & Soda make some good tapered raws. Naked & Famous, which I tried for so long to get into with the red-core raws and shit… does not make a good men’s tapered jean.
I’ve long hated buying pants. Pats have to fit perfectly. There’s a lot less slack and a lot more movement in the lower body. Why does nine out of ten men prefer ass over tits? Because the female rump is so versatile. Depending on how her legs and the rest of her body are positioned, and in proportion to what, it can look totally different and serve different functions! And it’s complimented by all the surrounding areas. Lower back? Sure. Stomach? Sure. What compliments tits? The collar bones? Fuck a collar bone son. Now, this is all in retrospect. As I said, I was dick-up-the-butt gay at the time.
What is a good tapered pant and why should a pant be tapered? Form as well as function. A pant lies somewhere on the spectrum between “skinny jeans” and “baggy carpenter jeans.” A skinny jean is obviously so gay it comes full circle and becomes straight. I was never that gay. And I think all those 130-pound skateboarders would fall a lot less if they swapped their girl pants for something allowing hip mobility. And where’s the dick go? Huh? Riddle me that. I see you in the skinny pants and I picture you naked because it’s so easy to do with your pants painted onto your legs and there is just no room left for a penis or testicles. Doesn’t add up. You can’t fit anything in your pockets. Everyone knows for sure you don’t have any weapons on you. You wanna always look like you might have a pistol even if you don’t, how I see the world. Phone, wallet, keys, imaginary pistol, OK let’s rock & roll. And the abrasion on your pants from such tightness? You must develop crotch holes every couple months. And the abrasion on your skinny little legs. The passive exfoliation must be leading to such skin turnover your mom’s going broke keeping the collagen stocked up. OK I’m getting carried away
So we don’t wear the skinny pants. And I can’t imagine they’re warm at all. How could they be? No pocket of air between the skin and the fabric. Anyway. Summer? We have linen! Anyway.
Speaking of linen, now a gently tapered white linen pant cut two inches above the ankle? I don’t care who you are. To feel the breeze on your ankle? The everyman’s path to divinity. Come on. Anyway.
And we don’t wear the baggy carpenter jeans either because, while certainly less disruptive to a pleasant – or at least not completely off-putting – silhouette than the skinny jean, they still make a man look as if he’s floating down the street on a blue denim breeze on his way down to the American Legion. The bottom gets all frayed from stepping on the back with your heel. Safety hazard as well that way innit. And while the skinny pant is a poor insulator for lack of room, the baggy carpenter drape jean equipped with hammer loop is a poor insulator because all the heat escapes out the open bottom! To give credit where credit’s due, this is a good pant to look like you might have a pistol in. You can tuck a small bible in your waistband in the rear if you want an even more convincing silhouette.
On silhouettes. This is why we want the gently tapered pant. Look at the human legs. They are robust up top and taper down to the slender calves. The gluts. The hammies. The quads. Hnnng! Throughout your day, you’re of course mobilizing your hips maximally. So you need to be able to hit a deep squat and pop out into a lunge no problemo. Fabric can not be your limiting factor in this life. Said the sperm to the broken sheep-skin condom. lel
The silhouette is the first impression, the at-a-glance, and the at-a-distance. Details don’t matter so much as the silhouette. And a gentle, tapered pant is the proper silhouette for a male’s lower body. Zoot zuits and genies are exceptions. A pivotal question – Should a man make a statement with his pant? The answer is seldom “yes.” All pants aside from the gentle taper are making a statement.
The most vulgar, the most grotesque, the most speaking-to this gross copycat society in which people are willing to engage in any yucky behavior if they see others doing it (maybe swap society w/ humanity b/c shit’s always been that way innit?) example of men making statements with their trousers… is men in yoga pants. My man, you’re six foot four with a beard and you’re wearing yoga pants with some Under Armor shortie shorts on top? To what? Hide your dick bulge? Why not try a tutu instead? Just commit. Be like, ‘Yo, I am a confident man and I have been seeing other men these past years rocking yoga pants. On my agenda today is dong six sets of hammer curls, exhaling through kissy lips in a marginally more furious fashion with each rep, as I stare deeply into my own eyes and the self-loathing seeps out of my eyesockets and evaporates off my brow (something has to, right?). I am going to rock yoga pants. Also I’m gay af.” But to slip little shortie shorts over the top? My man. This is why we have sweatpants as well as men’s athletic pants with the wicking fabrics and shit. And you just came out that Jamba Juice and we locked eyes. You, me, but no Dupree. You’re holding a purple smoothie, you have on yoga pants, Flyknits, and Airpods, you have a manicured beard, and you just looked me straight into my eyeholes and did not acknowledge in a nonverbal way in the slightest that all of this is going on? Wow. This is batman & robin levels of homoeroticism.
So all this fucking disappointment led me to not buy clothes for about a decade. And I already had what I needed from the several years I spent being gay. I wear sweats most-to-all of the day most days. I can actually afford to do fashion garbage now, but I’m still so turned-off by it, I’ve been looking progressively more homeless as the years have gone on. But always with an illmatic taper you best believe.
Long story short – My sweatpants are finally getting so run down the elastic isn’t working and the strings I tie, I sometimes tie too tight and get furious when I’m unable to untie it with my fingers as quickly as I’d like to and end up cutting them with the nearest knife in a fit of pesudo-fury. So I had to shop for pants.
DUM DUM DUMMMMM
Fuck shopping for pants, right? I was like, ‘Is this for real how I’m about to spend my time on this earth? Pant shopping?’ Right, so I understood the importance of the silhouette long ago. Now, it’s gone super mainstream! Jogger pants, they call them. Rightfully so. Because you sure can’t do a sprint in these shits. All you could do is a weak-ass little foot-dragging, glute-not-activating meander. I’m fucking so lost now! They got it all wrong and I don’t even know how! The pants are gayer than ever! My only working theory is that as men become more feminine and their hips become wider, the silhoette a gently tapered pant is supposed to enhance is slicing all double-edged sword like. So you have estrogenbros running around showcasing their wide-yet-weak hips and their skinny little lower legs with their feet turned all outward like a duck pinching a turd. And they’re also showcasing they make decisions based on trends, which is a really gross trait to me and predictive with a high rate of certainty of all types of other generic behaviors you engage in. I don’t know about others see, but that’s what I see. I never saw the appeal for basic bitches in trying to have the latest trend or whatever. Or in middle school when all the girls got Uggs. Like wait, you’re revealing to me so openly you make herd decisions? You don’t think that opens you up to manipulation?
The fuck was I on about…
Right, so we go to the hood mall so as to combine shopping with lulz. Bee tee dubz, if you ever want some crazy clearance prices on white person shit, hit up a Target in the hoodiest area you can find. That shit’s all on sale. I hit up all the main stores selling athletic apparel. Because I only need sweats. I’m good on jeans for 10 more years easy.
The gusset is key. I won’t buy a sweatpant without a gusset anymore. That 4-way intersection at the crotch is the #1 point of stress in a pant and where they will eventually fail. Solution? Or at least strong improvement? A gusset. I tried on the latest offerings by Nike, Under Armor, Express (btw their Medium is too big on me which means Express is for fatbois), and whatever other main nice brands they sell at malls. I actually just bought them all and brought them home. Anything with a gusset that had nice fabric. And tossed out the receipts. Or rather asked the clerk to toss it because I don’t want that shit touching my skin. To come home and realize – they make sweatpants so fucking gay these days. Most of these are so tight! It’s like they tried to do gently-tapered and just decided all nice sweatpants being sold were going to be skinnypants these days. Or you go to Walgreens and get $7 heroin sweats. No gusset obvi.
The only passable pants I found were Champion and the best weave is the reverse weave. Champion is doing good work right now. But $60 for a sweatpant is the norm now. When did this happen? I say it’s too much. I dip my toe in the water and you won’t see me for another 10 years you fucks.
And then I started buying pants off Amazon. Because I am not going to the mall and trying to figure out which card I put these little fuccboi pants on so I can get store credit and buy a fucking cassette tape you guys have now for some reason. Good return policy on Amazon for the most part. Even if you’re wrong, you’re right. And I’m often wrong when it comes to ecommerce.
“Champion LIFE Reverse Weave”
That’s what you want. It’s Artie-approved.
The Sherpa utility pant is also a good fit and fun.
But I did get lucky. Out of the many pants I bought at the store happened to be a very good sweatpant. A powerful, robust, thick gusset made of ribbed fabric. Strong stitching. Strong & grippy yet nonconstricting & supple waistband with a drawstring that holds its knot yet is easy to untie. Adequate room in the butt and hips to do all your activities without constriction. Not a fashion pant. A functional, down-to-earth everyday pant through and through. But an attractive silhouette nevertheless. Strong pockets. A sewn-on back, two deep front, and two cargos on snap-button closures. Cargo pants get a bad rap. Hell yeah I want room for all my shit. The reverse weave fabric is just legendary. They got it right with this. Very warm, but breathable. Thick and comfy, but you don’t feel like you’re in a jacuzzi or nothin’. Pleasant to the touch. You run your fingers down your leg and a stream of saliva runs down your lower lip as you contemplate all the pant shopping you won’t be doing in the coming years. You pinch a double-fold of the fabric between your fingers and that shit is thicker than a calcified scrotum
PM me if you want the link. They are only sold in one place on the whole internet. I looked.
Champion, hit my paypal with two stacks and I post it publicly.