I took yesterday off coffee, did a lot of chilling in the evening, slept well, had coffee this morning, and now I’m hype. Gonna catch the fire while it’s there. My mind is racing so bear with me through this disorganized mumbo jumbo. I’ll keep going until the energy fades and I start my actual day. Where to begin… I have like eight different journals and places I write about stuff when the energy hits. I’m big on energy and its manipulation and efficient use. It’s taking energy to triage where to write what and who am I doing this for anyway? For myself. So I’m gonna start being unapologetic about my crossover of themes. Pound sand. Whatever.
That was sort of my answer to the confusion someone who scans this blog must face if this is the first post they stumble upon. Who is this asshole writing about stupid bullshit and then nutrition and then emotions? It is what it is. Let’s move on.
I’ve recently hit a new and seemingly sustainable stretch of motivation for self-improvement. Why? I have a kid on the way. Daughter. Due in June. I’ve always been pretty driven – not always in socially-acceptable directions, but I was always trying to optimize in some direction. Min-maxing we called it when I was playing WoW like 16 hours a day in my earlier teen years. It’s the idea of maximizing to the extreme for certain traits with disregard for others and minimizing for others with the same disregard. Your mage might have 200 stamina. It might take an additional 20 hours to attain an additional 10 stamina. And an additional 40 hours to attain 4 past that. And an additional 80 hours to attain 2 past that. And so on. We’re maximizing for stamina. We take it to its conclusion at the expense of everything else no matter the cost.
This appealed to my extremist (some would call it addictive) personality and allowed me to be good at video games. I don’t play video games anymore, but I’ve applied the same principles to something during all periods of my life. Why? Discontent. I’ve never been content with anything. They’d call it bipolar disorder leaning heavily toward hypomania if I went to a psychiatrist, which I have no interest in ever doing again. Maybe I’ll speak to that sometime. Probably OCD and ADHD too. I’ve been discontent with my emotional state as long as I can remember. And I’ve had chronic back pain and various other musculosceletal issues since about the age of 14. Consequently, I’ve been self-experimenting with altering my mental and physical state for most of my life. Drugs & alcohol, bodybuilding, extended fasting, various diets; crazy amounts of every supplement, herbal thingie, combo of amino-acid, adaptogen, self-created formulations combining the aforementioned; everything under the sun.
So let’s discuss what’s worked and what hasn’t. Video games didn’t work. Made me an anxious loser. Bodybuilding didn’t work. Put on 100lb in a year, dropped 100lb in another, wasted 3 hours a day lifting weights and drinking two gallons of whole milk and proceeding to projectile vomit it at times, passed out in checkout lines, ended up with far worse back pain than I started with and nothing but stretch marks to show for it. I knew that was dumb for a while but continued to do it because of dat dere sunk cost fallacy.
Drugs worked great for a while. I got good at that. I know a lot about drugs. Hundreds of high-plateau Dextromethorphan trips by the age of 17 – ended up tricked into going into the psych ward where I spent some time getting beat on by staff while strapped to a bed due to my insulting and unruly nature. Finally decided to play ball and was transferred to a rehab where I had a pretty fun 30 days. Played ball to get out of there. Benzos and pill-form opiates was happening simultaneously (see: https://arthuxtable.com/2019/09/25/the-story-of-igor-daddy-issues-addiction-how-goldie-stole-his-pills/). That shit was rad, but pretty unsustainable – despite my sustaining it for quite some time. I lost months of memory and gained like 13 misdemeanous and 2 DWIs. Alcohol is an excellent tool and I used it until August of 2019. Pot’s been in and out of the mix forever, but I don’t really use it currently. I’m pretty libertarian in my political views and theoretically support legalization of all recreational drugs, but a part of me is pretty bitter pot’s legal now and I have four felonies for selling it just four years ago. Illogical, but whatever. Heroin was in the mix for a while there too. I ended up overdoses off heroin, benzos, and liquor with a collapsed lung, aspiratory pneumonia, and a quarter million in hospital debt. I won’t even get into all the bullshit liquor has gotten me into. That’s been my faithful, double-edged sword forever. Until I stopped six months ago.
OK, brief storied past of failures out the way, we’ll get to what has been working. Since meeting my wife five years ago, I’ve cycled through doing “all the right shit” and “falling off”. Before that, I was pretty much just exclusively and unapologetically a fuck-up (see old posts). Having someone to hold myself accountable to motivated positive change, I suppose. Over time, I’ve been trying to skew the “all the right shit” longer and better and minimize the falling-off. I’ve been moderately successful at that. I’m more of an ‘always looking to the next thing’ person, not much of a ruminator, hate to pat myself on the back, etc. But for context – I’ve gone from third-world single-mother immigrant who went through a traumatic birth, almost died during it, came to the States, didn’t have a content moment all of his childhood, complete social rejection, overdoses, broken bones, a dozen or so ICU visits, expulsions, arrests, felonies, three years working a miserable office job for pennies while sharing a dorm I wasn’t supposed to be living in with four girls – sleeping sardine-style with my now-wife on a full size bed while having chronic back pain, riding a Wal-Mart single-speed with the right pedal falling off (that was so shitty it was stolen and then returned once) to work year-round in Chicago weather, having taxi doors opened into me and shit – To someone who isfairly “successful” by conventional societal standards despite rejecting said standards completely – Physically fit, nice house, nice cars, awesome wife, successful business, investments, money in the bank, free time, and the achievement I’m most proud of and constantly working on – a private library of over a thousand books. I know this isn’t relatively much, but I’m 27. Catch me in a decade.
Why am I now writing this? I’m for the first time in my life confident that my positive direction is here to stay. Quitting drinking made by far the greatest positive impact on my life. I was a functional binge drinker. I was drinking for 3-4 days on and 3-4 days off. I’d drink 3-6 bottles of red wine and a handle of tequila in a day. My memory started to be garbage. I’d find myself standing in the pantry, scanning the shelves, with no memory of why I’d come in and barely a memory of having come in at all. I’d find myself in rooms and not know why I was there. I’d often stand there for quite a while trying to remember – unwilling to admit defeat. As time went on, I would enter a blacked-out state earlier and earlier in the drinking. But I’d spend longer and longer in said state. And I’d gone from drinking being strictly “fun time” to waking up with completed work, sent emails, etc. and no memory of doing any of it. It was usually pretty coherent. But holy shit, I could destroy my fucking company and have no memory of doing so. I could go drunk drive and kill someone and not remember it. Plenty of dudes like that sitting in prison. One thing I’ll give myself credit for is as I’ve aged, I’ve become good at learning from others’ mistakes rather than thinking I’m some sort of manifest destiny angel immune to life’s potholes and having to make all the mistakes myself. Sometimes repeatedly.
I managed to keep my business together and maintain a moderate level of fitness through all this. I decided to quit drinking when we decided we were going to start trying for a kid. Now that she’s on the way, I’m experiencing this seemingly-sustainable feeling of motivation like I’ve never felt before. Fuck around time has absolutely concluded. My dad was an alcoholic Ukrainian physics professor turned banker turned mobster. My mom and I would have to hide from him, run from him, leave the house and live on his mom’s farm for weeks because he said people were out to get us – we didn’t know how much of this was paranoid delusion and how much was real. So let’s just say I didn’t have a dad. That’s always fucked with me and I’d hate myself if I did that same shit to my own kids. I vowed to myself I wouldn’t long ago. And I won’t. And I’m not. I’m breaking the cycle big time. I’m here in this world to do good shit or die trying.
I quit drinking on a trip we took to Singapore, South Korea, Japan, Australia, and New Zealand. I couldn’t take it anymore. I quit drinking in Seoul and flew home from Melbourne. My wife rounded out the trip in New Zealand where she has family. She loves travel. I hypothetically like it, but in practice, it’s so stressful on me. I was forcing my way through so many trips to appease her. I bowed out. I’m home for the foreseeable future now. It’s so fucking hard to travel with my physical and mental issues. Falling off routine fucks me up big time. It’s really stressful. Italy was the worst. I used to post anonymously on this website called WallStreetOasis. Here’s a post I wrote at the time:
July 24, 2019: Alright so here’s the deal. I’m in South Korea. We’re in South Korea. I did 45 days sober (from alcohol) leading up to this trip and felt great, but I started drinking at some point – don’t even remember when – and I haven’t stopped. I drank North Korean plum wine at the DMZ yesterday. They have this shit here called soju. It’s like a 20% alcohol sake. They mix it with beer and shit. I’m just walking around drinking these things like beers and the people are astounded how I’m doing a kimchi making class, in their eyes blackout drunk, for me, this is the only time I feel normal. Mind your own business, South Korea. I don’t understand why your skin doesn’t wrinkle and you don’t understand my drinking behaviors. Some shit’s better left a mystery.
I fucking hate traveling. I’m here for my wife and for the knowledge I’m gaining first-hand. The experience itself is incredibly stressful for me. My MO has been to just stay buzzed the whole time, knock out work early in the morning in a hungover state (because I sill can’t sleep more than 5 hours even if I drink 5 bottles of wine the night before), start drinking as soon as work is done or as it’s wrapping up, rinse and repeat, come home and live like a monk for a month to recover. We’ve taken like week-long trips mostly.
This is a 5-week trip. I can’t keep this pace up. My fucking heart is beating like I’m 5 miles into a run while I’m asleep. I can’t find any weed in this country. Aside: Weed is neither legal nor illegal in North Korea. It grows on the side of the road. You know, like a weed. That’s why they call it weed. It’s literally a weed – a very resilient and adaptable plant. I don’t know whether they know what it is. Whether they’ve ever thought to try smoking the buds of the female plant. Anyway.
I ask these people, yo where can I cop some weed. They don’t acknowledge that drugs are done in their country. They won’t talk about it. They say, “We don’t do drugs”. I’m like, ‘OK, I understand that you do not do drugs, but surely you understand that people throughout all of human history, animals too, all over the world have sought out intoxication or some sort of adulteration of consciousness. It’s one of the things we do. I know people here are smoking weed and I know it’s fucking out there. Can you please tell me who might know where I can get some weed?’ “We don’t do drugs.”
Nobody here looks like they do drugs either. They all pretty much dress and act the same. There’s like 3 or 4 variations of male and female archetypes here and not a single one of them is an outright stoner. I gave a cigarette (oh yeah, I smoke cigarettes now apparently and that has to stop too) to a lady bum who came up to me as I was sitting down drinking a beer listening to music, and she maybe had opiates, but she nodded out immediately after I lit it for her. I was jelly but didn’t disturb her.
Anyway, I can’t stay buzzed for 5 weeks. I need either weed, opiates, benzos, kratom, fuck even kava kava would do. I need fucking downers in South Korea. Does anyone have any idea where I can get any of that? I’m trying to turn this ship around. Thank you kindly.
My wife is having a health issue. Two years ago, she started getting very dizzy after flying. It lasts anywhere from a few days to a few months. She’s walking around bumping into shit, damn near falling over. We have no clues as to what this is. Doctors have been unable to help. She thinks getting ear tubes put in might help. A lot of you people fly a lot. Anyone had this sort of issue before and have you found a solution?
I’m on some super woo woo shit, but I think she had a light mental break. Hear me out. Air travel is incredibly stressful for the organism. You might be drunk and asleep, but most of the shit going on in your mind and body is invisible to you. Just trust me when I tell you that flying on planes is very bad for people. Now this started when she flew to Israel to teach English there over the summer two years ago. She was in the middle of her second year in, I think, the roughest teaching job in the country. She taught low-incidence special ed through TFA at one of the worst schools in Chicago. Like a dozen people got killed on school grounds during school hours that year. She had no support from the school. In fact, her principal and case manager took efforts to make her life difficult because they didn’t even want a SPED program. They just wanted the money that came with it. And she was making a lot of noise about all the illegal and unethical shit they were constantly doing at that school. These kids are too young to be on medication. She’s a 4’11” half-Filipino chick. She had chairs thrown at her, all kinds of shit. She’d cry every single day and fantasize about driving her car into a median to avoid having to go to work. I think that long ass flight to Israel was her tipping point and something snapped and now her baseline stress tolerance isn’t the same. All that shit’s irrelevantish though. Just color & context. Let’s talk about some solutions. Thank you kindly once more.
Mental masturbation concluded, what’s worked? Drinking was a thorn jammed up my fucking urethra for a decade and that had to go before any actual impactful and sustainable change could be made. I’ll speak to the mental and physical health realms. I won’t write about business because business is boring and I’d really prefer to be an artist if we’re being honest. I’ll get there. “Starving artists” who feel entitled to make a living doing art can pound sand. You kids got it backwards. Go add value to society and then figure out how to transition to truly creative pursuits. Nobody owes you shit. Anyway.
I was on the paleo diet / Mark Sisson’s Primal bandwagon for like 5 years. I was convinced that was correct. I started questioning that when I started hearing about this carnivore diet shit on Rogan’s podcast (podcasts – another obsession – I was spending almost every waking minute absorbing information via podcasts for a few years. I still listen to a few hours a day at least fairly faithfully). I like to question established premises, so fuck it, let’s question this premise that plants are good for us. Is this even established science that they are? Not really. My boyfriend Nassim Taleb was saying this in 2012. Nobody knows why anything in the human body works beyond like 1-2 orders of magnitude. We can observe that when you eat X, Y tends to happen. But you ask Rhonda Patrick “why” three times in a row and she’s lost. I was growing, freezing, and blending those broccoli sprouts she convinced me were panacea for two or three years – not stopping to question why they made my stomach cramp, gave me diarrhea, and made me crumple up in a freezing ball for a good twenty minutes. I won’t say sulforaphane or Rhonda can pound sand, but I am disregarding them completely. They had their shot.
Antinutrients, lectins, phytotoxins, biavailability, epigenetics, lions, tigers, oh my – how do you isolate a variable in this wild world? I got into Steven Gundry next. His impeccable medical credentials gave him some authority. I hate appeal to authority. I hate myself for falling for it. He said maybe some plants ain’t so hot. He looked at shit from a heart surgeon perspective. Russell Blaylock wrote this tremendously dull and long-winded book in the ’90s that nobody read called Excitotoxins that said similar shit from a neurosurgeon’s perspective. He didn’t know about ketosis and some other shit yet then. I was like, ‘Oh cool, nobody can agree on anything, but I see some common threads, and I’ve been giving this plant shit a shot forever and feel like garbage.’
I decided I should try cutting shit out instead of adding it in. Switch it up. That’s hard to do with my personality. I’m a very “more is better” person, but you need dat yin-yang, innit? I heard Shawn Baker talk about the carnivore diet [the assholes on Reddit insist on calling it a way of eating (WOE) – hey assholes: have you looked into the definition of the word “diet?”], but all he eats is steaks and anabolics. And he kind of sounds dumb as fuck. So I only very peripherally follow his shit. Nose-to-tail is clearly the move. Paul Saladino is a much more intelligent and informative source of info on that. So long story short, I started the carnivore diet January 6. I had a couple 11-day stretches mixed with falling-offs. Right from the jump, I felt better. By day 7 or so, I’d say I felt better than ever.
It’s hard to isolate because I also started doing Wim Hof shit around the same time and I switched up my exercise philosophy. I started alternating sauna with ice baths and that had immediate benefits for my mood and back pain. The back pain is highly dependent on how on-point I am with my mobility, myofscial release, and stretching shit, which I might do 2-3 hours of on some days and 15 minutes on others. I started swimming and running in the Chicago winter in just shorts and Vibrams too. This is getting confusing and I’m losing my zest, so I’ll just paste my little carnivore diet experiment thus far and I’ll update it periodically. I’m on Day 14 of the carnivore diet today – my longest uninterrupted stretch yet. I won’t edit this post. I’ll make future update posts. I’ve only been keeping track of metrics for a few days.
|Date||Carnivore Diet Day||Weight (lb.)||Blood Glucose (Mg/Dl)||Urine Ketone (mmol/L)||Urine pH||Saliva pH||Heart Rate||Blood O2 (%)||Blood Pressure|
-Diet: Only animal products, Black coffee/Nicotine gum as desired but sparingly, Focusing on fatty red meat, Shooting for nose-to-tail, Eggs, Trying to stay away from canned goods, Focusing on grass fed & pasture raised, Frozen wild caught fish sometimes, Eating 1-2X/day in 6-8 hour window, Bone broth, Collagen, Redmonds Real Salt, Pink Himilayan salt, No alcohol or weed, Pressure cooking when possible. For about a week, I’ve started eating pretty much as much as possible while maintaining a reasonable fasting window. I’m eating like 3-4 pounds of meat, 12 eggs, and 3 huge mugs of broth a day. I’m trying to give my body as much fuel as it can handle in an attempt to ramp up my metabolism.
-Supps: 3G Krill oil; 2.6G Cod liver oil, 15,000i.u. Vitamin D; (500mg Quercetin/250mg Bromelain); (10mg Lithium orotate/400mg NAC); 2-3G Magnesium, 30mg Pregnenolone [5X/week]; 25mg DHEA [5X/week]; 1 PureGenomics B-Complex; 1 PureGenomics Multivitamin; 600mg Kelp; 3 ZMA; Rotating dessicated beef organs; 1G CalMagVitC, 400mg Niacin (pre-sauna); 450mg Lion’s Mane extract [5X/week]
-Exercise: Alternating “Workout Day” & “Recovery Day”, Daily 45 min walk (except on incline treadmill days), Daily mobility & stretching, Daily lying diaphragm KB raises
-Workouts: [Dips/Band external rotations]; Chinups; Pullups; Split squats; KB Turkish getups; 1H KB swings; Glute/ham raises; Steel mace swings (1H & 2H); Running sprints
-Recoverys: [Infrared sauna/Ice bath alternate for sets combined w/ breathwork]; [Swim/Conventional sauna/Cold shower]; [Treadmill incline walk/Run (only shorts & Vibrams regardless of weather/Sauna/Snow roll) – Nasal inhalations only
-Physical: Chronic pain & discomfort throughout body – Concentrated in upper-right back, Left hip pain, Left knee instability, Right outer elbow tendonitis radiating through right hand, Right shoulder pain & immobility, Tightness & spasming throughout right side of body & face, Periodic inability to sleep, Tightness throughout diaphragm (focused on right side), Tightness in upper chest & shoulders, Jaw clenching & teeth grinding, Right jaw tightness & popping, Upper trap pain & tightness (often pulled), Shin splints, Facial tics (right side)
-Mental: Bipolar (Mood swings, Anger, Irritability, Hypomania, Depression), Anxiety, High perceived stress level, Distractibility, Impatience, Inflexibility in schedule, Poor prioritization, Inability to relax & enjoy life, Feeling of overwhelm
It’s my understanding that the premise that plants are good for us posits that: 1. They provide vital micronutrients and 2. They serve as a hermetic stressor. On micronutrients – There are people in great health who have been carnivore for over a year. Will they not live as long as somebody eating a calorically-restrictive vegan diet? Perhaps. Perhaps not though. Very perhaps. There are loads of anecdotes of people with a plethora of health issues feeling better than ever eating this way though. Do you choose the guarantee of quality over the possibility of quantity? I don’t. Your call. Which micronutrients exactly are vital that we can’t get from eating a nose-to-tail carnivore diet? Name it. Don’t be vague. The internet is abound with similar anecdotes. People scoff at anecdotes, but cite observational studies, which are collections of anecdotes.
The universe is complex and nuanced. We’ve barely begun to understand our own minds and bodies. We know more about the cosmos and deep waters than our own minds – which isn’t saying much unfortunately. The history of science & medicine is most people being wrong about most things most of the time. Yet we assume (making an ass of you & me, mostly you though lel) that the time and place we happen to have been born into got it right because we figured out how to dig shit up out of the ground, assemble it into a metal tube, pour in some other shit we refined from shit we pumped out the earth, light it on fire, and fly across the ocean, which has ancient unexplored, civilizations buried half a mile under it.
My point is we don’t know shit. I like to look at results. Agriculture was humanity’s great double-edged sword some 10K years ago. Prior to agriculture, for some 3 million years (who knows), humans survived as hunter-gathers. They were taller, stronger, and had larger brains. People like to cite mortality rates – both prehistoric (which are wildly speculative) and historic. Prehistorically, there was likely a ton of early mortality from trauma and infection. But it’s my understanding that archaeological records show that a human who made it to 50 was likely to live past 80. Meanwhile, American life expectancy has declined for the last four years in a row despite the glory of modern medicine and the rebranding of Weight Watchers. The top 5 causes of death in the developed world were practically unheard of 100 years ago.
Hunter-gatherers had smaller and much hierarchically flatter communities always on the move. When people got together and started living in post-agricultural communities, the social hierarchy pyramided up in a skyrocket-y fashion. There were suddenly kings and peasants. It was possible to sustain this due to the introduction of grains – peasant food – stuff that kept serfs just alive enough to work the fields. People got weaker and dumber. The upper classes have always preferred animal products and used plants as fiiiiiixxins, garnishes, flavor enhancers, etc.
The United States (now empire) is 244 years old. Genghis Khan’s empire ruled the majority of earth’s population for some 600 years riding around on horseback, living in tents, eating animals and drinking blood and fermented mare’s milk. The Native Americans were a healthy folk living in a similar fashion until the Europeans came over with diseases, alcohol, and Christianity. The Roman Empire lasted for a thousand years. Cleander divered Egyptian grain shipments to starve Rome in an attempt to gain political power on the rebound. These dummies sat around starving to death and dying of diseases behind their walls. Weakness and vulnerability. Speaking of diseases – that’s skewed the death stats a whole lot during historic times. The Black Plague can’t take out a third of a continent of nomads. A meteor can though. Nature finds a way.
Hermetic stressors – the idea that a stress to the organism causes it to overcompensate so as to endure a similar and even greater stressor with less negative impact in the future. We compound this over time and become stronger people. Taken to the extreme, people are taking Metformin – a known mitochondrial disruptor, these days for “life extension.” Metformin a hermetic stressor. Compounds in plants are hermetic stressors. But what if you just stop being a lazy bitch and give environmental stressors a fair shake? Simple, free, unpatentable shit – exercise, temperature, fasting. Do some sprints. Do some pullups. Swing some kettlebell. Take a walk. Get some sunlight without slathering yourself with chemicals. Don’t eat for a while. Don’t eat all damn day like a moomoocow. Nobody talks about this last one, but I think using your brain might be a good stressor too.
The vast majority of modern people don’t use their brains. Like at all. They stopped learning after undergrad – not that they did much learning there. They never started a business in their lives. They never solved a problem. No hustle no muscle. They never read a book. They never created art. They consume art in a narrow band. I love humanity, but the average individual human is a pathetic, highly under-utilized creature.
We take in a shitload more molecules than we ever have. People combine a hundred plant compounds and each of those has who knows how many different molecules. What’s the likelihood at lease some of those are triggering our immune systems via molecular mimicry? We go to the doctor and get drugs – the mechanisms of action of which aren’t known beyond one “why?” – prescribed that mask symptoms and have side effects. Of course they do. The human is an intricate, interconnected, largely mysterious organism. Then more drugs to mask those symptoms. And so on. To what end?
Further, we’ve become completely disconnected with our intuition. When you eat foods in isolation and with few ingredients, your organism learns which nutrients are in which foods and you start to crave certain foods as you need nutrients found in them; and you get a feeling of ‘I’m good, push the bowl away’ when you’ve had enough. You hamstring yourself from developing this ability when you always combine ingredients.
Perhaps hermetic stressors of the ingestible variety are a shotgun approach to hermesis and environmental stressors are surgical. I don’t know and neither do you. Just give it a shot. I’m running out of steam so I’ll return to my personal carnivore diet experience:
The biggest and more impactful improvement has been on my moods. I used to fluctuate between hypomania, leading to extreme overwhelm and anxiety, leading to depression and withdrawal. I haven’t been depressed at all on this diet. Energy has been steady and available on demand. I’m able to tap into it when needed and to relax when I want to. I feel more intuitive in being able to interpret signals from my body. The energy, enthusiasm, sociability, and hyperactivity which I’ve normally attributed to hypomania (and which I’ve induced with coffee this morning, which I was going to cut back out four days ago but have been enjoying too much while still feeling consistently better so have kept in but will probably cut out soon for another few weeks) has become more manageable and never swings into an overwhelming feeling, which it did so reliably before, usually leading me to drink it away just to feel OK and be able to sleep. I have energy in the mornings and throughout the day and I’m able to wind down in the evenings. I fall asleep immediately and my sleep is more restful.
It’s hard to point to what feels “good” because perspective disappears so quickly. My memory of self-experience has a steep long tail. Which is why I started writing shit down like a year ago. So here’s how I feel when I feel bad:
Physical: Diaphragm (esp. right side) tight and cramping, Right side of jaw clenching and face cramping, Inability to find a comfortable position, Right side of back is knotted-up, Right shoulder far less mobile than left and painful to mobilize, Right wrist barely mobile, Left hip in pain and feeling injury-prone, Left knee unstable, Traps clenching to point of pain, Dry skin, Clogged sinuses & dry nasal passage, Sweating profusely during sleep
Mental: Mood is really swingy and irritable, High anxiety, Mind racing and jumping from idea to idea, Impulsivity feels high, Overall anger at the world, Suicidal ideations when depressed, Hypomania feels unproductive and unfocused, Terrible short-term memory, Antisocial when depressed, Overly-social when hypomanic (i.e. text a bunch of people and start conversations I have no interest in being a part of 12 hours later, initiate business plans with people I have no no interest in working with in that context 12 hours later – have to back out, feeling like an asshole)
My physical shit is a work in progress, but it feels better than ever. And the shit I have to do to improve on it, I’m able to do more consistently than ever without backtracking with falling-off periods. Consistent, gradual, incremental improvement. No more one step forward one step back bullshit. Mentally, I’m still a discontent and irritable human, but I feel better than ever. I have glimpses of joy in my life. I haven’t been able to enjoy a single moment sober all of my life. Even after quitting drinking, I still couldn’t. Now, I’m really enjoying watching movies and good shows. I could never start a movie sober before and I would have a very foggy memory (or none) of how it went. I’d normally get distracted mid-movie and run off to start some project. My relationship with my wife has never been better. We’re spending a lot of quality time together and we’ve never been more affectionate toward one another before.
I still experience plenty of anxiety- like anyone else with half a brain – but it feels much more targeted. Productive anxiety. I’m able to pinpoint its cause and take action to alleviate it. It’s not the general sort of debilitating & pointless anxiety I was filled with before which often led me to drink. I feel the energy of hypomania, but I’m able to focus it, use it to my advantage, and then calm myself with I feel myself burning out or when the task at hand is done. I’m getting better at knowing my own limits – becoming more realistic – becoming more sustainably productive. I feel in control.
And this is just the start. Let’s see how day 90 feels. I don’t know how consistently I’ll update this because I rarely caffeinate to this degree. And uncaffeinated, I have far less compulsion to share any of my thoughts with anyone else. It happens periodically though. During one of my more memorable mushroom trips, the almighty or whatever you wanna call that feeling you get (if you know, you know; and if you don’t, you haven’t lived) told me I should shut the fuck up, absorb more, and put out less because every human is on their own journey and you shouldn’t deprive them of making discoveries for themselves. You just read all that shit only to learn this motherfucker is legitimately crazy in the last paragraph. Ain’t that some shit?
Random carnivore-related picture (and a blunt I was proud of) I’ve taken over the past month:
ALRIGHTIEROONIE. time to take a nice, long break from stimulants.